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[ Sunday
May 2005:49pm
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mood |
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 crappy |
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i'm sick of people taking me for granted and i don't care who know it.
fuck it.
probabaly last post because no one reads this anyway.
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[ Wednesday
May 2005:37pm
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mood |
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 blank |
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music |
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my sister's master pieces |
] |
i' bored.
i can't write
a debate that we had in 5th kinda messed w/ my head.
i had a wierd dream about a guy. i hope i don't like him. he's nice and stuff but unavalble. i think i'll just stay away from him forever. :(
bummer yeah but i don't need him.
i know people think i'm annoying with all these thoughts of mine (i'm kind of getting annoyed by myself haha)but yeah.. i think it's human nature or at least a part of humans, need some contact to reasure thier survival. anyway i won't take up anymore of your time wihth my insane nonsense.
by the way if you do read my journal thanks a bunch!
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| alone agian... |
[ Tuesday
May 2005:45am
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mood |
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numb |
] |
i only go on here to install a fake sense of relationship with a person i know i've never had a past with. i come on here to maybe get closer, to maybe talk, to maybe have someone other then my best friend care. but no one does. and that's ok because i don't need anyone else.i'm not trying to be succeded but, i don't need people, wanting to care, hoping that they can and then forgeting about me.
i'm not trying to start a fight or anything, i'm just stating obvious patterns.
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[ Monday
May 2005:58am
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mood |
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blah |
] |
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music |
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yada yada yada |
] |
i feel like crap, what's new?
i'm so fucking bored in tech without myspace on here.
fuck
fuck
fuck
i guess this is it
until later
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[ Thursday
May 2005:56am
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mood |
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what the fuck ever |
] |
| [ |
music |
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blah blah blah |
] |
who really cares anymore?
ok starting off bad already. i'm sick on top of allergies so i basicly can't breath anymore. i really feel terrible. i dunno it's mostly physical. i just hate when i write something, it's hard to keep writting, i just rather watch tv sometimes, like it's in the back of my mind i know it's there but. blah.
i have an idea for a story and stuff but it's almost like i'm going around in circles.
anyway. the may fair has been a drag since that year. that really was a horrible year for me. i hated it. whatever no worries.
i kinda wish that everything would just leave me alone sometimes.
yesterday,was my dad's b-day. i love him despite what he says. or what other people say. he's fucked up a lot, but so have i and so has everyone i've ever met even if they don't admit it.
sometimes when peopel say they hate certain things, i'm amazed because for one, they do it too. and another sometimes they're inanimate. but to each his own.
that's what my mom says. i like it.
i could be a lot worse. everyone in this crappy town could be a lot worse. but no one ever thinks of that. they just think of how fucked up thier family is and how sad they are.
i'm so fucking tired. i'm glad tomarrow's a minumum day. i don't think i could handle anything else.
this is long, butt whatever it's my journal and i can' cry if i want to... corny but hey, isn't everyone?
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[ Monday
May 2005:06pm
] |
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gatta love talking to someone that totally get's you.
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[ Friday
April 2005:55pm
] |
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i'm really excitted about talking to my cousin that is in college i think i wanna get closer with them. i wanna tell him everything about my life and then i wanna know everything about his! i really hope this works out
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[ Friday
April 2005:37pm
] |
WEEKEND!
at school...
i'm tired
and i'm kinda jealous of this incredibly beautiful nice smart funny girl who is like is friends with travis. I have some stuff in common but non of that matters when my jjealous, like always comes into play. this is getting really old! i think i'm getting sick of myself, it's ust a matter of time when travis does.
it's sad though. because i'm the one person i'll spend the most time with. it'd be a waste of time if i hated the one that i was with.
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[ Monday
April 2005:07pm
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| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
] |
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music |
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stuff |
] |
i love my mom
i love my dad
i love my sister
i love my friends
i love my pets
that about sums it up for today.
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[ Saturday
April 2005:28pm
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why do i still think about killing myself if i'm happy? i really think i am happy or this is as happy as i'm going to get. i mean i have the best friend in the world, i don't have to know everyone in the world because i know i couldn't be any happier with any other person.idk if i even care anymore.
this journal thing just let's me dwel on all the crap. it's stupid.
i was so happy today i went shopping and everything and now i'm fucking depessed agian wtf!
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[ Friday
April 2005:21pm
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somepeople don't know what they have and that makes me depressed
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[ Friday
April 2005:59am
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| [ |
mood |
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 relieved |
] |
| [ |
music |
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rock and roll high school |
] |
yesterday i felt so alone.
for those who are uncomfortable when i talk about travis you may want to stop reading.
Travis left me alone yesterday. i walked around the campus and crap, he hung out with riley and tori and catlin. I felt really alone and thought what if he was permanently mad at me...
i mean i would be alone, everyone loves travis and i would be a fool to make him mad or anything like that. everyone that i know likes because of him. i mean most of the people talk to me because he's my best friend. Nothing would be the same.
But then after all this really depressing thoughts and what seemed like a million years. (which was only one really bad day) This morning he talked to me. it was comforting.
and the funny part of it all is i have a new idea for a story because of yesterday funny huh?
my pain is my inspiration.
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[ Thursday
April 2005:15am
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does anyone even care?
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[ Tuesday
April 2005:03am
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| [ |
mood |
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cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
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beetles |
] |
hello guys, haven't updated in a while, haven't really had the need to i guess, umm well now i'm bored so i guess i'll go back on here. hopefully i won't get addicted and have the history repeat itself...
anyway, i've been sewing more and i've been writting. it's wierd, because my grandma is all for her rights and standing up for what she believes in but the thing that sucks about that is she makes everyone around her suffer, because she wants everyone to believe and act like she pictures they should be. maybe i'm exadurating, dunno i just don't want to preach my oppions through my writting and make people feel horrible, like she does. everyone knows it and people stand up to her but she's too stubborn to fucking listen! i mean fuck... come on! if you hurt your family when ever you express your oppoin is it worth it? maybe sometimes but really all the time? i mean if my oppion hurts someone, a stranger even i'd keep it to myself, i mean i think i would, i hope... she's doing this to family and friends. and she's so fucking lonley it's not even funny. i mean really really lonely!
i don't want to be her, but my oppions my thoughts have hurt someone. and maybe it's a small step to being likt her...
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[ Friday
March 2005:31pm
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mood |
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 creative |
] |
not sure love exsists, maybe that's what losers who will never have love will say to protect themeselves from whatever.
I will never find love.
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| knight in shinning armor |
[ Sunday
March 2005:00pm
] |
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mood |
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creative |
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Twirling around the stop sign on the northwest corner of the school, like a ballerina, graceful. I departed from the long stick that was causing my overwhelming desire to vomit; standing there, I looked like a two-dollar hooker, waiting for the next customers, as shown in the movies. I was innocent w2ith my home made skirt and my spinning like a juvenile in a school yard; yet I was mature, because of the role I was portraying at the time, mature in a very easy way. I was thirsty for love; I’d take it from anyone who offered the cantina, no matter what was in it.
Speeding down the street toward the corner, a white van swerved in and out, and finally reaching a halt next to the curb, I was a mere foot from the curb, the window seemed to take an eternity to finally recede. I saw him in the shadows; mysterious at first, then I saw his handsome face and nicely chiseled features. Hair bleached, sunglasses occupying the space where his eyes glow, AC/DC printed on is black shirt and tight denim pants. Wondering why he was starring at me, I sat down while waiting for my escape, the harsh pavement having no sympathy for my unpleasant imposition.
He sat in his car mesmerized at some miraculous sighting, something someone would take a minute out of their day to just look at, like Niagara Falls, Mt. Everest, or a rose. But, there was no such thing in the direction his eyes see to sway. What was so beautiful that nothing else mattered?
I decided to ask the young, creepy gentleman, what the hell he was looking at. I slid my hands on the window seal, and asked in an inquisitive notion, “What are you so intrigued by? Why are you looking at whatever you’re looking at like you can’t keep your eyes off it?”
“I… I was looking at you.” He said in a deep quiet uncertain voice, like he was embarrassed and didn’t realize he was staring so obviously.
“Well, why is what I’m really after, I guess. What do I have something on my face or something? This doesn’t really make sense to me? Can you explain it to me? Why do you look dazed and confused when you look at me? What, you don’t know how someone like me could even show her ugly face in public, just because you probably have every girl like in love with you doesn’t mean that I can’t have a boy friend, and you really should judge someone before you get to know them. ” I asked, trying not to appear stupid but more or less failed.
“Neither should you, I thought you were breath taking, that’s why I was starring, sorry if I offended you. And I’m sorry you have a boy friend as well. And dazed and confused, good movie. One of Ben Afflacks better movies, he’s kind of stupid.” He said in an apologetic voice.
I was baffled, “I don’t understand what the catch is? What do you want from me?” I realized that the imaginary role I was playing could have been perceived as real. “Well whatever you had in mind, I’m not doing, pervert.”
He looked stunned, appalled and then crushed. That’s how I felt after I confessed my secret love went unrequited. The guilt transported down to my stomach I knew I would have to apologize or forever wallow in my own moral distress.
“I’m… I’m really sorry, I know how it feels to be rejected, but for some older guy to tell a young girl, something she’s never heard may be taken as weird.”
“Or fate, do you want to get to know an adoring fan such as myself?” he said hopeful the line would make me blush and succeeded. He motioned with his hand for me to enter the automobile.
“Umm, I can’t, not now, wait for someone. Also, I never ride with strangers. Bye.”
“Well, can I have your phone number or email, so I won’t be a stranger and we can go out sometime?”
“Umm, I guess there’s no harm in that, right?” I wrote my email on a scrap of paper, undoubtedly my face turning more bright red with every letter, from embarrassment.
After an hour of painfully boring homework, I gravitated toward my haven, my computer. Surprisingly there was this new screen name asking for permission to talk to me. It was from someone I’ve never heard of I clicked on…
Silverknight: hi
Fantasia: hey
Silverknight: this is the guy from the street in case you didn’t know.
Silverknight: I like your SN how’d you come up with it?
Fantasia: Oh, have you ever heard of the movie the never-ending story? Well, fantasia is human fantasy and I got it from that movie.
Silverknight: then you like fantasy? Why?
Fantasia: umm yeah I guess, because it broadens human borders, almost brings hope that there’s something better. Why?
Silverknight: because some people who rely on fantasy, do it because they aren’t happy with reality.
Fantasia: it’s just a name that I got from a movie ok? Maybe there isn’t a deeper meaning, maybe I just like it.
Fantasia: What’s up with your SN anyway?
Silverknight: I guess I’m one of the people, I described. I like pretending to be a knight in shinning armor and be a hero.
WOW! This guy with his poetic dialogue and romantic perception makes me melt, he’s so perfect. I wonder if he desires the same important morals as me.
Fantasia: So, what do you believe in, do you have any morals?
Silverknight: 1. I don’t care about religion, I think what you personally believe, “god,” “hell,” or “heaven,” can all be true to all different religions and all the after lives are customized for what you believe in. If you truly believe you deserve to go to hell because you need to pay eternally, then you will. If you truly believe that you are a decent person, not perfect, but deserve to be happy then it will.
2. I think it’s ridiculous to take anything too serious, you only get one life, have fun and be happy. All of this shit, discrimination, hate, peace, politics, all of it really doesn’t matter, all that matter is what you do in life, and being happy, happy being whatever you define it as.
3. I think everyone should have the same rights no matter what, we were all born human, we all deserve to be treated the same. (That includes marriage)
4. Art and movies and creative things are very important to me!
It was like he was reading my innermost beliefs, nothing I’ve ever said. He was the perfect match for me, and I could tell that I all ready liked him. He was amazing.
Fantasia: Wow, I believe in all of that! If there is such a thing as a soul mate I believe I have found mine.haha
Silverknight: lol, soul mates exist if you want them to…
Fantasia: maybe
Silverknight: well, would you like to see if maybe I’m yours? Do you wanna go for ice cream or something?
I debated for a few seconds, and finally came to the conclusion that there was nothing to fear. What’s the worst thing that can happen?
Fantasia: ok, I can’t pass up a chance to fall in love right?
Silverknight: awesome! When do you want to? We can go after you get out of school.
Fantasia: oh, I thought you went to my school? Then what were you doing there?
Silverknight: I was waiting for a friend to get out; I take 1-6 periods.
Fantasia: I take 1-7 its fun I want to do as much as I can and get into a good college.
Silver: I wish I had that attitude when I was younger, maybe I’d be better off.
Fantasia: You’ll be fine, I can tell. So, I guess we can meat after school.
Silverknight: yeah that sounds awesome! Ok, then it’s a date…
Fantasia: yeah, so my mom’s calling me for dinner so I g2g see ya.
After my computer had slipped into a deep sleep, and rushed to the bathroom for some much needed privacy. I leaned against the wall, out of breath and out of reality. This dream guy carried me away from anything containing despair or loneliness, like my life.
After a deathly boring day at school, I found my own personal sanctuary where I was able to be content. My night in shinning armor had finally arrived to rescue me from the evil lord who had wrongfully imprisoned me. Away we galloped in his new white mustang, my curly brown hair flowing as we road off into the sunset, any girl’s ideal “happily ever after.”
If only real life could be a fairy tale, but that would contradict the definition of reality. There must be evil, there must be despair, and sometimes, the villain must prevail over the hero.
We drove around for about 15 minutes, trying to find this particular fast food restaurant called “Sonic burger thins really awesome place where they serve your meal on roller skates like they use to do in the 50’s,” according to my knight in shinning armor.
“Hey beautiful, wanna just get some ice cream at my house, I have this awesome movie we can watch while we eat.” He said in a failing tone, after he gave up on finding the sonic burger.
Against my better judgment, I agreed to it. It seemed like I was a character in a horror movie, the go into the dark spooky room with no electricity even though they have no chance of surviving, they just have to the satisfactory thrill, it wasn’t that I wanted to go, it was that I wanted an adventure that bad.
The car rolled to a complete stop, I dropped my lipstick, bent down to retrieve it and when I lifted my head, like a playful dolphin. I looked up at him, holding the door open for me as if I was the most beautiful princess in all the land. That simple gesture made all my doubts fade.
He brought the delicious ice cream, my taste buds tingling with every scoop. I admired his poser in his room and took a seat on his soft bed. As he walked over toward me, from the door way, he didn’t blink, he got to the bed and looked at me as if he was a starving lion and I was the sick antelope. He eyes appeared to turn a fire red, burning through anything thing that dare stand in its path.
I tried to crawl away, thinking he would desist in his actions but he kept accelerating towards me. Before I knew it he forced himself on me, I struggled, hit him, screamed, pleaded, but it was no use, and he was an emotionless monster, incapable of feeling remorse or guilt.
After about what seemed like ten minutes of me screaming, I bit his tongue his blood (surprisingly intact) dripped into my mouth and he retreated. I fled as well, but not before he reached for a pocket knife on the table. I ran out side the house, he caught up with me, and I felt his hand and this sharp pain in my back. I fell to the ground I must have blacked out after, because all I remember was hearing sirens. I saw this nice young man dressed in white and very clean, reassuring me that everything would be ok.
A little later I found my self in this brightly lit, noisy corridor. When I finally relies that I’m in a hospital, because of my soul mate trying to kill my by stabbing me, I started to cry.
After all of it, the worst thing that happened to me was hearing my mom whisper into my ear, “I’ll always love you and I’m sorry this happened,” as I slowly drifted into death. I was so thirsty for love, that I sacrificed everyone else’s feelings so that I could have a little sip.
Perfect, doesn’t exist, just some human illusion. We made these things up to help us cope with the fact that everything is a simple as having fun. We make things more complicated then necessary, with love, religion and perfection, everything our society is, all of it, really doesn’t matter, it all comes down to you and what decisions you make, to be as happy as you can.
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| short story |
[ Monday
February 2005:30pm
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| [ |
mood |
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creative |
] |
She being a young, quiet girl was lost, but this was expected. Everyone goes through it, the change. Everyone adapts or faces extinction. This girl wasn't any exception. She had to change. She was a nice quiet smart girl. Not a guineas but average. But the thing about her was she didn’t think the same way as everyone else. But that too was ordinary; everyone had his or her own way of thinking and understanding. It’s what makes everyone unquiet but also standardizes us all. If everyone is something, does that something make us all the same or different?
A logical first place, school. Friends, fashion, trivial shallow things can't get you a scholar ship. They can't help you excel she noticed this from the beginning. She had friends, other like her who had no time for the ineffective events, so they had something in common. They never talked. Only worked, a highly lonely life, but beneficial. This was what she told herself, falling asleep with tears cascading down her face every night.
Everyone has that point where too much is way too much. She had several. She would do things, cry, change outer appearances, and even lie to get attention. "If just once today, someone noticed me, maybe I wouldn't feel so invisible. Maybe I wouldn't feel so horrible." This isn’t a person that has individuality, she was counterfeit.
It’s a shame that someone so, desperate can't find what they seek. But who really cares? No one, no one would help her, make it better show her there’s more to life then just school. The world is a big place with big opportunities. She didn’t realize that yet. But everyone has to go through the change.
She lived in a small town, really didn’t notice that it was so small because she never took the time to see. No one saw her, so she took advantage of it. No one really knew anything about her, not even her. That’s what the change does, assists you in: finding what you need, to find yourself, to comprehend what everything is insinuates. Or it makes you think you know what the secret to life is.
She didn’t watch TV. She didn’t talk. All she did was learn, read, and interact with things that couldn’t cause her any harm. Animals, we’re the best way to give compassion in her case.
Her parents. They are nice folks. They try their hardest with her, and try to make her happy, but all the gifts they buy. All the money they spend, trivial, synthetic, manufactured happiness. Happiness that would never last more then a week. Too be truly happy, is there such thing? Maybe our society has lost sight of it. Her parent’s expectations are unrealistic with her in mind. She tries but is defeated every time. The one thing she was ever good at, the one thing she worked at. Repetitively, obsessively she practiced. But still after hours of sweat dripping and tears rolling down her face she still was simply mediocre.
Lonely, dark, everyone is occasionally. There is nothing special about her. She is a clone, a cyber, programmed to be perfect, the nice catholic girl who wore knee high skirts, the ones that the private school girl wear but more ordinary. She had no personality, boring which was the origin of her lonely problem. Oblivious to everything around her, even change and being different even how she isn’t. She was alone.
Everyone else no matter how “fake”, it was unique. They had their own taste. Their own opinion. Even if it was occasionally influenced by their parents or friends they still had to decide what was right and wrong. It all comes down to what you think. Cool? Nerdy? Jock? It all comes down to you. It’s a choice that everyone makes, all the time. Free will, the right to make your own choices makes everyone unique, except her.
Love, if it even exists, is a very confusing thing. Maybe we human invented the idea of love. Maybe love is a misinterpretation of being able to live with someone. Caring for them deeply. Maybe when people say love they don’t know. Maybe love isn’t as confusing as we make it out to be. Do you love someone? How much? Enough to die? Maybe willing to die is love. Maybe it comes down to faith. Do you believe you love someone? DO you believe that they love you? There’s always doubt.
She being alone was surprised when he came up to her. A rather beautiful looking fellow, like a dream he seemed to float. In the library she reads a constant act that she performs. He sat in a brightly covered bean bag chair listening to music, and had a look of greatness.
He being bold, handsome and, popular, he notices her sitting alone. On the outside, he differed immensely from his true nature. With his awesome jeans and tight button up shirt he looked like a model getting ready to pose for an expensive photo shoot, which unfortunately implied fake emotions some models might possess. He was an "out of the box" kind of thinker and he never was shy enough to deny his true potential. He was the guy everyone wanted to be. He got bored with the same old tunes and wandered towards her.
He slid the chair across from her, out and maneuvered his way across the awkward placed bars and finally reaching his goal of comfort. he looked at the book that she seemed to be mesmerized in and realized that he had read the same thought provoking piece of literature, not but two short months ago. Sliding his figure in between the spine of the book, he tipped it so the angle grew larger.
She peered over the book and saw the strange boy sitting across from her staring, like he had just found what he was born to do. They sat their in an awkward silence, anxious emotions intensifying with every moment. He finally broke the silence that delivered that horrible amateurish point in time “I read that book like two months ago I think... it was good, I thought. Have you enjoyed it so far?"
“Its fine, not my favorite but acceptable." She answered.
“No, no, yeah, I like it but I’ve read better."
"Oh, what's your favorite?" she said in a dismissive stuck-up tone.
“Um... actually I like this one book called martin pigg, doubt you've ever heard of it, not many people have, but its good!"
"Oh, well I really don't have a favorite but I like lots of them."
“I’ve seen you around school but without anyone with you, you like it that way?"
"Yeah, I don't have too many friends. I guess the ones I do have do think I’m too interesting"
“If you're not interesting you hide it very well."
“Why? You think I’m interesting." she said in a rather humorous way.
“Of coarse you're beautiful and..."
"look," she said leaning forward in a teasing way," If you're trying to embarrass me in front of you're neanderthalic companions you refer to as “friends,” if this will make your day, go tell them I dropped to your feet in lust, just begging you to take me, because you're beauty overwhelms me. And of coarse this goes without saying, you can laugh at me, hurting me without any regard to my psychological and emotional state afterwards and you can reject me, because you're the Mr. Perfect. The guy that every other blond Barbie is attracted to." she lectured.
Leaning forward as well he says,” you caught me...I am a superficial loser who hurts young girl's feelings just so I can feel more self-content with myself. And I can't honestly come up to someone without having other priorities in mind. I hope you're happy with yourself. You don't know, me so don't act like it, don't judge me if you aren't courteous enough to take the time to get to know me." He walks away without any warning.
She was stunned. Speechless, the words cut her like a thousand tiny knives. She had done something unspeakable. The one thing she was absolutely never going to allow herself to do, she did. She contradicted herself in one second all her values were betrayed by the one person who needed them to survive. She sprinted towards the young gentleman like the flash saving something that had incredible potential.
"I’m sorry,” she whispered
“I’m sorry, I couldn't hear you. Can you please repeat that, thanks, bad hearing, old war wound..." he jested.
“I’m sorry for judging you by how you look on the outside and not trying to go deeper. I don't expect you to care about me, but I couldn't live with myself if I let you go thinking I judged you like that. It's a personal sin, that I hate committing." She said disappointed with herself and slowly slinked back to her chair.
“Why do you do that? Do you need pity because I won't give it to you? I hate when people give pity like it's suppose to mean something. Why do you think people are so horrible? That's the only logical conclusion I can come up with. So why?" he used that trusting, soothing voice psychologists use when it looks like you need a friendly voice to spill your incredibly emotionally shattered self to.
"I don't hate anyone. Why do you care so much?"
"Why doesn't anyone else care?"
"How is this any of your business.”?
“I’m just trying to help you. You know help? People occasionally do it because it makes them feel good." he said sarcastically.
"I’m perfectly fine."
"No you’re not"
The next morning she got up did everything perfectly, repetitiously like she always did. "I’m not fine?" she wondered "I'm very fine. There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m not in denial, I’m fine. I'm generally happy. I'm not crazy. I'm fine."
Her mother called her down for breakfast; they sat together, silent, pretending. It was all fake, the "happiness" they tried to allude from themselves. They were trying to achieve bliss by ignoring horror.
She went to school did everything school work, homework and now for her magnificent book. She read the book for a tiring two hours relaxing her to the point of drowsiness. The same spectacular guy showed up he seemed to be walking in slow motion.
“Hi beautiful." he greeted
"Hi."
"How was your day?"
"Umm...fine I guess."
"You guess? What does that mean? Did you do anything today?"
“No same old thing."
“Really well I had an eventful day. I bought a whole pizza and all my friends ate it. Then we played basketball, we lost but it was really funny. I also got my history test back, A- it was pretty easy for me though. "
“Why are you talking to me? Why did you call me beautiful?"
"Well, to me you are. I also think it's about time that you get that human interaction that you so desperately crave."
He leans forward brushing the book away, and caressing her lips with the faintest touch with his lips.
Pulling away "am I right is it interaction that you seek young traveler?"
"Interaction meaning?" she questioned suspiciously of his young teenage hormones.
"Do you want me to kiss you?"
"I hardly know you."
"That’s not the question."
“Yes."
“well, we hardly know each other," he said while giggling. “I wouldn't want to deflower a rose of your beauty before it has a chance to fully bloom. But I will leave you with a promise, I will never hurt you."
"This guy" she thought to her once again, "could be the guy of my dreams. He has said everything perfectly. I couldn't have planned it better. He thinks I’m beautiful. He's so cute! Maybe falling in love..."
And for the first time she was thinking of herself before anyone else. Her parents kept her in this small cage; she finally broke through and now is happier then ever. She is special, despite what her parents may think, she is original in every possible way, and that's rarer then it sounds.
The next morning she got up, with the scissors from the hall closet she redesigned her fashion choice for that day. She cut 3/4ths of the hopelessly long skirt, like cutting off repunsel's golden locks, she was more then happy to expose her wonderfully new shaved legs. Chopping off half of her white shirt like she was Indiana Jones in the jungle with his mighty machete.
After the unusual day, boys hitting on the new found beauty, mean girls calling this new threat a whore, and the ones that knew the new, congratulated her. The point of this all was she was new, changed. But with this new change came awkwardness and confusion. She was changing but not into a person she wanted to be. She had to change but also keep the great person she knew was alive.
The one thing that didn't change was her daily trips to the library. Hopefully to meet her new found love. If love is real.
"Hey" he said
"hi."
"How was your day?"
"It was good"
"Wow you're dress very... uniquely. Finally getting a voice of your own?"
“Maybe, this doesn't feel like me though, more like the chick on the corner that yells out BJ for only 20 dollar’s style."
“Ha-ha, I have to tell you, I’ve never seen this side of you, brave, outgoing, funny. Looks like you don't need me anymore..." He turns away slowly with his head down.
“You’re the best person I have ever met, you changed me. You make me feel worthy to live. I just ignored my true feelings and thoughts. I am, because of you. I love you."
The kiss they shared, the best kiss of both their lives. The one kiss that was soft but had every positive emotion that any two human beings could feel for one another. It shamed Romeo and Juliet’s love, all the loves were a disgrace in comparison to them.
“You are special, not just to me; you will be the person who is creative, successful, and passionate in life. You've changed, whether or not it's for the better is up to you." he said with a smile.
“I know I’ve changed. Now I love myself, and everyone around me. I was convinced that I was the most horrible person in the world, that I should die as soon as possible. You saw something even I was too blind to see even though it was right in front of me every morning in the mirror. You make me want to be a better person. If you were to leave me I couldn't live. I'd be as boring as I was more boring then the dead. "
"That's nice in a dark and cynical way, but that works for you, ha-ha."
"I've been thinking, not about the monotonous everyday, tired stuff we do in class, more like life is meaningless. Like there's no point. And this whole "god" thing is a little depressing, the power can take life, and give it, but it won't help us do anything. It gives us horrible people like murderers, and takes lives from the most innocent beings in the world. Depressing would be a light term." she said thinking out loud and continued
“How do we know anything is real? We tend to believe it more if there's some "proof." If you have "proof," it's easier to believe with logic. But even proof is circumstantial. It has conditions, so I don't know what's true anymore." she stated with a disappointed look but then a lighten smile came to her face while saying...
"I know the small stuff, like who I am and who I want to become, but even though it seems elementary I didn’t know it when I was sure of all the more complicated concepts. Now all I feel like doing is dancing and singing in the rain. Just have fun, as much fun as possible." She said in an enthusiastic way.
“It looks like you’re a very balanced individual, who knows what she wants out of life." He complimented.
“I love you."
"Love is a confusing thing... you can't control it. You have to fallow your heart. Love doesn't make you oblivious to all other things and everyone affected by what you do. That, which I speak of is lust, which is confused with love too often. To be able to love someone you must love yourself, and yet be willing to give yourself up. Die for your love..." he enlightened.
"I do, I love you with all my heart!"
"You can't love something that isn't there."
He faded into the pitch-black of the night. Was he real, her new found love? Was her delicious dream guy just a fake cognition of her subconscious? Was it all just an insignificant dream? To her it didn't matter she was still real. More then other's can say, and what is real anyway? It's real if you believe it is who can prove you wrong?
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| lone wolf |
[ Monday
February 2005:27pm
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She was the lone wolf in a pack of pigs who only wanted to build brick houses, secluded, cunning, and lonely. Some of the smart little piggies, befriended her, no questions asked, she ate them for supper. Those who stayed their distance but was friendly to her, were spared, the others, the one that despised the sly wolf, were also eaten. The survival of the fittest, maybe it’s only to be nice but not too nice. In this case, in her case, it was better to be nice but to never get attached, because she was the kind to “bite the hand that fed her.”
Alex was one of those girls, loners many people call them, and she was just an antisocial personality. No one wanted to get too close; they could smell the rejection on her. She was an emotional bomb ready to explode at any moment. The stress was obvious; she was always tense, never laughed, like her purpose to live was to be this robot. This emotionless, companionless robot that no one should love, but some have tried.
She walked the corridors, with her bias skirt down to her knee. Over lapping with the dark shade of purple vest, complimented with a lavender tie under it, like a private school might where, she wore on her own free will, proudly. Her blue long sleeved, button up shirt made her look like a professor, and he grades didn’t help that judgment.
All of her teachers adored her, naturally, someone who knows the material, doesn’t need extra help, and yet still make the teacher look great, also known as, a teacher’s pet. She was at the top of the class, no one thought other wise, she was like this invisible computer that was impossible to beat so why try? This perception didn’t help her social life, or lack there of, she was alone, not even a parent to help her. The only reason she was trying to achieve perfection was so her parents might show her some affection, but, her parents knew the secret everyone knew, that one day, Alex would blow, no matter how nice, a wolf is a wolf.
It didn’t stop people from trying though; there wee plenty that simply wanted to be her friend. They laughed and talked about current things, one of he friends, Al, maybe her best friend in the world, treated her quiet nicely. They took walks in the park he bought her lunch, she bought him a flower. It was almost love, not in love though, even though that’s what Alex thought.
Later in their lives, around the time they both turned 35, both had relationship, good and bad, Alex asked Al, “maybe we should get married; I mean we are best friends, maybe we love each other. You love me right? Well then if we love each other then why not?”
Al took her hand and looked deep in to her eyes, those deep dark sea blue eyes that seemed too deep for anyone to swim. “Alex, sweaty, you know I love you with all of my heart but, I know in my heart that we aren’t meant to be, I’m sorry I love you and I hope we can remain really good friends, because I wouldn’t give it up for the entire world.”
As those words escaped his lips, his breath inhaling, exhaling, his heart beating normally, Alex slid out of her leathered colored chair and stood behind her best friend. She looked down at him, slowly slid her hands onto his shoulders, bent down, and whispered into her ear, “I know you’re my best friend and I love you with all my heart, but you rejecting me aren’t quite working for me thanks.”
She grabbed the rope form the table be side her, the table her never to be husband gave her, she rapped it around his neck, all moving very fast, too fast for any rational person to think. She squeezed the rope as tight as possible, as hard and as fast as possible. And then suddenly, the entire fast moving images stopped, like peace had finally came to Alex, but peace wasn’t the only thing Alex desired. She needed affection.
That was about an hour ago, before, the rain started crashing down hard, before the lightening threatened everyone driving life, before Alex was trapped in this party filled with people she was at when she proposed to Al. She was trapped in a maze and she couldn’t find her cheese of freedom. The party had died down a tad, only about six were remaining.
The host of course, the rich snobby one that paid for it all, the slut the host was most likely entertaining, a doctor one of the host’s close friends and another shy fellow hardly talked at all, were all there, and could all be in the way of Alex’s way. Or, she could take care of all of them one by one and they wouldn’t understand her until it was too late. No one could get in her way.
She started talking to the guests, socializing a little, going from room to room nothing terribly exciting. It was mostly routine mingling with the rich people. But then, they changed, almost as if they were trying to figure her out, they were asking more direct questions, like the were trying to find a piece to the puzzle. Alex would never let that happen, Alex was way too smart for them.
Then the host suggested they go to the study for some brandy, maybe some coffee, dinner had past and they needed something to do with their mouths besides, talk about topic they had no clue what they were taking about, so they drank. Alex didn’t though, she had to stay alert incase someone tried anything funny.
After a few drinks , the guests eyes started to change, their facial expressions, it was like they were taken over by the devil, their eyes seem to target Alex’s soul and investigate anything she had to hide, and finally she heard a voice say, “I know who killed him.”
Her heart raced, “they found the body? Oh no I’m dead and they out smarted me, how could they of? I was here the whole time, no one left, it’s impossible.” She thought
“It was Ms. White, in the billiard room, with the rope.” The voice stated as a fact.
“How did they know my last name was Ms.White???” Alex said in a dazed and confused tone.
It was all a game, but not to Alex, she was a seriously disturbed person, and the child helped prove that she had killed Mr. Albert Body with a series of clues he collected from the scene of the crime. Alex pled insanity for her defense and the judge ruled in her defense and now she is locked up in an insane asylum, all thanks to the junior crime fighter.
Some people never change, they can never be loved. Sometimes, people don’t deserve love, or attention. No one should use physical aggression to solve their social problems. Love isn’t to be taken lighty, love is something one is willing to die for. Alex was willing to die for Al, simply kill for. Once a lone wolf always a lone wolf.
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[ Monday
February 2005:49pm
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mood |
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 thoughtful |
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music |
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time after time |
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i was once addicted to this. i was also once a horrile person. i was horrible becasue i wrote something in here that my mom wasn't sapose to read yet she did. no one's fault but my own, i was the one who didn't think how it would make her feel if she ever read it. words, scare the heart, they are horrible, yet they express things. they are horrible, they do more damage then they will ever do good. i hurt my mom's feelings about a year ago, and i hate that i did. i love her, even if my friends do't think so i love my family with all my heart, and as for my friends, i have a big heart...
words hurt, and i can't get a few arranged in a particular order out of my head. it hurts, to know that i almost let something like that heppen, without stopping and thinking how it would effect everyone around me, and telling people i now know how many people it would truely effect.
sometimes i don't think love exsists
sometimes i think about things that should be here but people make them
i think about good memeories and making more
i think about everybad thing that has happened to me
i think why did it happen to me
i think maybe i should just leave everything it's not worth it
i think abot how much fun i'm hoving here
i think about all kinds of movies, books, and poems
i think about writting even about me waitin g to be picked up on a winter day
i think about everything that could go wrong
i think about hate
i think about my friends and past expierences
i think about the kind of person i want to be
i think about the guy that i want to meet
but thinking only takes you so far, i just wish i could do something about what i think about
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[ Friday
December 2004:58pm
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mood |
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crappy |
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i wish people didn't judge me.
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[ Friday
December 2004:08pm
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mood |
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content |
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music |
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likew a virgin |
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finals are over. 3 weeks off.
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[ Monday
December 2004:16am
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mood |
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bored |
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i'm bored!
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[ Friday
October 2004:27pm
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got to go to a movie tonight
without a paddle=funny but a little deep
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[ Monday
June 2004:10pm
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sorry friends only
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